My Blog

I do not start this journey lightly. The idea of writing and sharing my thoughts and experiences is a powerful one. I'm doing this for several reasons, the first has to be for my own therapy. With such an immense loss in my life, I need to give myself every chance to feel a purpose.

Last summer I told Kirsten that, despite her ongoing fight with refractory Hodgkin's lymphoma, I was happy. I was deeply sad, depressed, and struggled with the meaning of it all. But, I was happy. Being with Kirsten made me content. Not having her with me leaves me with a void of true happiness. As I've mentioned to many, I can laugh, have fun, enjoy the moment, even look forward to something, however, that satisfaction of inner happiness is not there.

I am so grateful for the people and dogs in my life. My son, mother, family, Kirsten's family (including the four-legged variety), our friends, and, of course, our Lab Finnegan. Many of you will hear your own voices echoed in my writing. I needed and will continue to need the tremendous support that has been offered to me. Thank you.

I also write for Kirsten. In life, Kirsten, let's say, guided me. She still does and always will. Having said that, I can not guarantee that any future clothing purchases will be entirely fashionable.

As Kirsten was a champion of the healing power of writing, I hope to pay tribute to her. Kirsten has a tremendous legacy because of who she was and how she lived. I wouldn't speak for her, although if I tried, there would be a strong chance of a visitation, but I hope to add to her story.

If my sharing helps anyone who may relate to some of what I'm going through, that would be the best tribute to Kirsten I could give.

Sunday, May 27, 2012

Moving



I've sold our/my house and will be moving into my apartment in mid-June. Up until recently, with some exceptions, I've managed the emotional side of the move fairly well. Most of the coping can be credited to a purposeful numbness. Almost out-of-body. I also like to think that I did some things right. My realtor, Colin Hall, knew me and my situation, I mostly avoided actually sorting through things, I had friends and family around me, I walked the dog a lot and I focused on what this move allows me to do, such as taking Miles on a trip to Hawaii this summer. I also made myself understand that, regardless of where I'm living, my loss and the process I'm going through is an internal one. I could live on the beach in Tahiti, stay in this house, or move to an apartment and I'd still have it all with me.

I do know that this move is right for me.

Lately, the emotions have made a comeback in a big way. I'm heartbroken. The disbelief and associated sadness that Kirsten is not with me hits hard. I think of what the experience of moving would be like with her. It's palpable and very painful not to have her with me. If we were doing this together it would feel more like an adventure. There would be a lot of excitement about the possibilities of where we would end up and how that would impact our life style. I do have feelings of excitement as I make my own decisions, but the bottom line is that, no matter where I end up, this is not what I wanted.


Along with the new apartment, I'm moving forward in my career and education. I realize these are good things and I know that it's OK to enjoy them. I do feel good about moving forward, but it's tempered by grief. I give myself permission to feel positive; however, the sadness and despair are not emotions that I can just decide I will not have.
backyard concert, summer  2010
Kirsten was in charge of both interior and exterior design
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